Two oh eeeleven.

I can't exactly say 2010 was a blast; there were happy moments and lots of...less than stellar moments. Well for one, Christmas was downright horrible :) I wonder why we even bothered bringing that small Christmas tree down from the attic. Many thanks to those who sent me a Christmas card though :) even if you didn't write much, the thought does count. Really.

Resolutions for 2011. Hmmm....

I resolve to try to tune my mind in a way that 2011 passes as quickly as can be. At this point in time, I'd rather time just zip pass and fly away rather than slow down and have a chance at good & happy or upsetting moments - if that made any sense. I just want to ORD quickly, get out of this silly business and start life anew. I've got no intention to savour any part of NS - believe me I tried - but nope :) let's just get this thing over and done with.

In any case, here's a list of resolutions I'm coughing up:

1) Start to learn card flourishes :) especially practising more of that nice false shuffle I saw on youtube :)

2) Quieten down, keep more silent - and learn to be more tolerant especially to my parents.

3) Spend less of my weekends figuring out what to do at home and wishing Monday would come sooner. Oh, and waste less time on MSN waiting for some miracle to happen. Lol.

So yup, cheers, "Happy New" Year and please pass quickly.

"ORD loh."

Truth be told, while NS has certainly provided some life-changing experiences thus far, it's hard to accept that most if not all of my friends would ORD before I did. It's the sort of feeling where you're being left behind while everyone else (not goes out and enjoys stuff with their friends or gets to travel) but moves on with their lives. It's not about that they get to go overseas or more holidays before university - it's about moving on more quickly than you are.

While I've definitely got a much less strenuous time, it's sort of hard to accept that my friends will get to move on with their lives faster than you.

I imagine this scene of me calling after them to wait for me as they run away into the blinding light while I'm still stuck here, being forced to walk and not run.

Even though, no matter what after 2 years we'll all have finished - I somehow still have doubts about the future; what would happen to friendships? Would they stand the test of time? Would too long an absence somehow not make the heart grow fonder anymore - and just decide to move along without waiting?

Maybe it's just me being paranoid, but that really scares me alot.

I wish I could ORD the same time as then. If I could turn back the clock, I would definitely choose to have enlisted 2 months earlier; just enough so that we could ORD together. It's strange for me because all of a sudden, the word "together" means a lot to me.

rush of warmth and forgiveness.

I feel I've got a lot to thank God for yesterday - as well as what he's tried to teach me through this short experience. Last night, I met up with a close friend of mine who just came back from Australia. I hadn't seen him in a very long time - since bumping into each other at AHM. And to be honest, I confess i originally thought I'd lost this friendship of ours. We hadn't talked in a long time; I believed he'd - like many others who left - been "lost".

For years - due to several similar instances in secondary school - I came to believe (or understand, at that time) that friendships would never ever last unless the parties involved communicated on a regular basis. I've had several friends whom I thought were close to me, start to make their own friendships during jc/poly times after secondary school. As time passed, we lost much communication, and the friendships were lost as we drifted further apart.

It's the kind of feeling where your supposedly close friends "left" you for friends elsewhere - and realizing that hurt me a lot, especially since I grew attached to them. I re-defined my own personal definition of a "close friend" soon after my SJI days.

I shelled myself up tremendously and I didn't want to make any close friends. Yet similarly, perhaps in my nature, I became to feel insecure somehow.

I've tried to let my NS office work tire me out so I wouldn't think too much about things but, I found myself feeling lost every night before bed - till the next morning when work would occupy my thoughts once again.

I thanked God for allowing me to "regain" this close friend. I was happy. For the first time in very long, I slept well that night, undisturbed by strong heartbeats or cold sweat.

From a Christian perspective, I would say I already owe God so much for my sins and sinful nature -----

I certainly didn't deserve this experience (and the cookies and surprise presents), and I know I'll treasure them close to my heart :)

After a long hiatus.

I just got back home and ...yeah I was lazy.

Broken Wings.

Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in
Take these broken wings

It hurts.

A lot of times, I feel like I'm losing friends whom I thought were close to me to other new friends that came along. And it hurts badly...one wonders whether I'm irrational - but it hurts anyhow.

It's Saturday.

It's Saturday and i've just practically spent most of the day playing Final Fantasy VIII, haha - am going out to dinner with some friends after posting this blogpost.

Things've been busy as of late - ranking boards' period has arrived and I've already started staying back late to finish work and prepare date; I really hope the next few weeks won't be as painful. I actually wanna get back to work asap :p the weekends are pretty much at home for me - I'd rather work myself off so time'd pass faster and things would just pass and I'd forget things I've been trying to forget these few weeks.

Alright, going out for dinner now.

ZZZZ.

Recently my dad, whose business hasn't been doing well at all, has been resorting to fengshui thingies to try to improve his financial "qi". Now i've got mirrors on nearly all the bathroom doors, some funny mini fountain next to the dining room tv, several pots of glass stones lying around and even quartz crystals in funny glass pots. There's even a plate with gold coins lying on the table next to the front door.

Personally I don't believe in fengshui; it's a wonder how my family's actually Roman Catholic, yet Chinese cultural and spiritual beliefs still stick so firmly around.

I'll bet God must be laughing his ass off at those bits of rock and stuff :)

More importantly though, I find it funny when here he is worrying about money issues and being financially crippled - and there my mom is telling him about it while she splurges money on tuition and (ffs) expensive organic food. What a fantastic way to save money!

Honestly though, after my younger sister's PSLE if my mom gets or even PERSISTS on giving her tuition, i'm going to go guns-a-blazing on her. It's may not be right to be disrespectful and hate my mom for it; but she's already ruined 3 lives with her utilitarian, financial and economic mind-control methods and she's not going to ruin a 4th.

Tuesday blues to be.

This week's going to be shorter thanks to Monday being off. Hopefully the weekends'll come soon so I can spend some more precious time with...myself :p narh. Actually...during the weekdays from Wednesday i wish the weekends would come sooner yet - especially on Saturday night - I wish I could go back to the office and load myself with work.

Today's cohesion was pretty good at least for me, amidst many drain-cleaners and missed spares. Thanks to: Kevin, who jumped around pretty hilariously although his Physics visual power was so strong; and Mdm Karen & Kanna, who made my missed bowls seem not so bad by applauding anyway. Don't care if you're not reading this but I sure wanted to give you three my thanks :)

Although, that feeling I felt yesterday at McDonald's still hurt strongly inside of me. I could feel like my chest was being sucked in from within, and it hurt.

Nonetheless, Tuesday's coming soon.

..

I really wish I was different so we could be better friends; everyone keeps talking about individuality and all but, what if I really - really, didn't like how I am? It's not a common case of trying to fit in with the popular kids - it's really that I see you as someone so special amongst the world's denizens I could spend hours writing about how blessed you are.

God let us meet, but I feel like in a cruel twist of fate he made it such that you'd be impossible for me to grasp.

I wish I didn't have to feel like this.

Again.

Dear God,

I got shot today at McDonald's, just as AHM was finishing. As i try to forget what i feel is lost, you caress my mind with what seems like hope.

I know that you're up there, watching everyone in your almighty goodness and love. You watch over us on Earth; i know because I've seen you love people like they've been blessed since birth. I still see you love them, building their lives perfectly.

Ephesians 4:11.

Dearest Lord, i've been trying hard to struggle in my faith in you. The fool puts temptations in my way and i fall and stumble each time, yet something always brings me back to talk to you - to trust in you. I only wish each time i come back to you it weren't in shame.

I take my rest now Lord; at times, I really wish i could be sure you were there for me - for i see the devil around me, laughing and cackling in his army of the world.

wtf?

Just now we celebrated my sister's birthday - and right after the blowing of the candles, when everyone was eating cake, my father started bringing my little sister's primary school math question to my second brother and asked him on his opinion.

And at that moment, I thought, NEVER, NEVER in my life if I had kids, would I do this to my children, EVER.

Sleeping.

So many worried and depressed people think that, in sleep they can get freedom from the thoughts that haunt and sadden their mind. In truth however, they feel not the hours that pass by while they're in slumber - but genuinely only, mere seconds.

Just a thought I had on a public holiday while watching the late afternoon sky.

Mortifying.

I hate that God created me so...unstable, so vulnerable to the people around me; so dependent on them. I hate the devil who subverts my humane desires and wants, infesting them wantonly.

Lord, why do you allow that evil devil; that prince of the power of the air to touch me, defile me, laughing as he beguiled me. Why do you allow him to wreak havoc , bringing me no semblance of mental peace; subverting my new acquaintances and friends and exposing them to wicked and ungodly desires?

The holy and those bathed in light turn away from you. The parasites the devil had planted in my mind and in the core of my very soul; they eat away at me, killing me and driving me crazy.

Lord, if art thou worthy - why condone these foolish yet weakening acts of the foolish angel you created? Has thou forsaken me?

Hosea 2 rings in my head, chiming it's warnings out to me.

ELI, ELI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?

Random Haiku

Hark, thou shameless child

your sorrows hide in your smiles;

you shall know not love.

Created a random haiku on the train back home ..

this morning and on the train.

It's been a mentally horrifying night, and the effects linger till now as I type this.

I dreamt of a Daybreakers'-like scenario which creeped me out quote badly; my heart continues to palpitate even now as i'm on the train to work. Mistake not, these are no figments of my imagination - somehow, these supposedly revealed themselves through my subconscious.

...

The first scene I remember is me, a certain friend, and a large group of other friends walking together. It feels like the kind of advertisement for action blockbusters - a large group of humans walking slowly towards the tv screen.

Next I knew, the light in the surrounding area around me vanished. Suddenly, that large group was reduced to just me, that certain friend and a much smaller group of friends. We were in a dark walkway. I remember distinctly the presence of a downward staircase next to where we were standing. A group of demonic creatures were sprinting in our direction from one side, obviously eager for violence and gore. Suddenly, in some slow motion scene of HD quality, the remaining people missing from our group showed themselves on our other side.

But they were different then already.

Their skin was pale white, and they hurtled themselves forward at breakneck speed. I saw them throwing cleavers towards our demonic adversaries. The cleavers flew fast, and I remember myself wondering how they managed to pluck up the strength to throw those cleavers at such a great speed.

Our enemies fell, but something else happened soon after. Our pale-skinned counterparts turned on us. I remember them throwing cleavers towards us; I saw one get sandwiched in the middle of two of my fingers (can't remember which hand). Next thing I knew, several of them were already upon me. A few of them sunk their fangs into me, while others - for some reason, seemed to draw wax symbols on my arms with candles and pressing into them with their fingers.

*some scenes cut out*

And then, I found myself and that certain friend in the back seat of a luxurious car, with a vampiric lady in the driver's seat; she was talking to someone in the front seat, also a vampire. After her conversation, she turned around to us and told us to "chop off our tails while we're still new".

Then, I felt a painful sensation on my rear; the thing....the...appendage or something that stuck out of me felt like those bag-sealing things that they used at Mustafa's, just that it was embedded in between my rear and poking somewhere painfully.

...

I woke up, freezing and afraid in the darkness of my room. Realizing it was 6:08 on my iPhone - late - I got up, mentally shocked. Lol the first thing I did was to feel if there was anything in between behind. I went to the bathroom and looked at my half bloodshot eyes in the mirror.

And the rest is that.

It shocked me quite badly though; I still felt disorientated and scared even through taking the train.

Hosea 2:2-13

I've decided to start a mini segment on bible reflection; it sort of comes to me - not every time I listen to a pastor preach - but often on those lone rides back from church or from work. This week I look at Hosea 2:2-13.

² "Rebuke your mother, rebuke her,
for she is not my wife,
and I am not her husband.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face
and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.

³ Otherwise I will strip her naked
and make her as bare as on the day she was born;
I will make her like a desert,
turn her into a parched land,
and slay her with thirst.

⁴ I will not show my love to her children,
because they are the children of adultery.

⁵ Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, 'I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'

⁶ Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

⁷ She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'

⁸ She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal.

⁹ "Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens,
and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen,
intended to cover her nakedness.

¹⁰ So now I will expose her lewdness
before the eyes of her lovers;
no one will take her out of my hands.

¹¹ I will stop all her celebrations:
her yearly festivals, her New Moons,
her Sabbath days—all her appointed feasts.

¹² I will ruin her vines and her fig trees,
which she said were her pay from her lovers;
I will make them a thicket,
and wild animals will devour them.

¹³ I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,"
declares the LORD.

It made me afraid, listening to Pastor Edwin preach this segment of the bible.

Essentially, in a small nutshell, it talks of a prophecy of Israel - in all it's sinfulness and God trying so hard to reconcile Israel back to Him, he eventually decides to leave it's northern part to be conquered by the Assyrians. He represents this with Hosea, who He asks to marry Gomer, an adulterous woman. Hosea prophecises Israel's eventual demise and reconciliation through Gomer actions after marrying her.

What made me feel afraid was the punishment of Israel by God. Hosea described this so...terrifyingly in verse 3, "...I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst."It got me reflecting on my life as I took the bus back home; not just today but last week too when Pastor Edwin introduced this notion of God's wrath against the continually sinful within Hosea 1. I thought too about the significance of God using constant failures, depressive moments and other sad events to reconcile us to Him.

I miss God.

Sometimes I wish the world that the Holy Spirit would take away my mental desires so I could go back to God. Being quiet and more reflective at times opens my mind to see things; to feel emotions that other are unable to experience or find weird, but yet I feel that it compounds the effect that mental corruption can have on me.

(I wonder if you're feeling lost already, haha. If you are, don't worry.)

I believe that God has a perfect plan for everyone wishing to know Him and seek Him. Thus I wonder sometimes why I feel the emotions that I do every morning or every night. It really feels, after today, that God is trying to point me back in the right directions- in my sins and in my faults, in all the ungodly things I've done and covered up with methods to make myself feel better. I feel like I'm, in Pastor Edwin's words, doing "mix and match" - trying to find mental explanations to my sins in order to find myself feel not so guilty when I sin.

Perhaps he's trying to push me to come back to Him; even at the extent of taking people I love away from me. Maybe he doesn't want me to be with them, in my sins.

Though somehow, I wish I could tell Him that he's forcing me more into silence and self-absorption once again. I wish He could take away the devil that laughs at me when I fall to it in sin. I wish the demons that harass me each day could be punished for picking on someone smaller than them.

I'm trying Lord, not to answer the door when the devil knocks. Though, I feel demons assisting it, unhinging the door, forcing me to see what knocks on it anyway. These demons are my sins, my slips of the tongue, my desires of the mind. I try hard with my own strength to resist the devil, by constructing more and more doors between me and it - although I always fail, and the devil forces me to look it in the eye anyway.

Save me Lord, not just me wallowing and languishing in my own sins, but also from your holy wrath. Pull me from toying with my own abyss, when the time is right - I beg thee.

Updates.

Things have been quiet as of late...but really, I thank God for the now more silent train rides to and from work; gives me a chance to reflect on the day that passed. Keeps me quiet and calm too. Sometimes I'm too late and I bump into the guys in the office who take the same train as me and it gets uncomfortable at times. But otherwise, things are more or less settled where I am now. Took a little time but yeah.

Every morning I also try to wake up early (and try to reply some 5am earlybirds quickly and on time knowing their schedules) to catch the 7.15am shuttle bus at clementi mrt - another avenue to reflect in the freezing aircon bus on the way to work :) and be early somemore.

Busy period's coming from September onwards and I really hope to get concentrated on work so time passes - for the past 2-3 weeks I actually wanted the weekend to pass on quickly so I could get back to work - and fast. I've been told that every day I'll have to OT or whatever but who cares; so long as time passes fast I'm happy. Everyone should be more or less settled down in their units - for scs people, at the very least moving on to ASLC or their units for pro term; i could hardly care less for ocs bravado.

My dad's business isn't doing well at all and so naturally, being the lowest earning fool in the family my parents are trying to get me to do tuition and earn extra money through the usual business hippie thing: investment. Apparently my uncle's going to give me some cash to invest...seriously, I'm the kind that would either keep that money and save for uni or give to either of my 3 more business-sense elder siblings to play with fire. Damned this. Being born in this academic, business-sense family seriously annoys me out sometimes. Imagine some science fanatic being forced by his parents to study meditation and spiritualism. I think he'd rather blow his brains out.

Ah well. Anyway, things have to go on.

On a random and completely un-understandable note,

...

September the 17th's going to be a very significant day for me and I'm already prepared to phase out once it passes.

I did expect things to end this way but; I just didn't want to let go of it all. I can't believe that it's ended already. I once pressed on and felt both euphoria and depression in intervals for about 2 years - sometimes I wonder how I managed to do it since I first fell back in secondary school. Oh well.

I really hope uni'll be a new, clean, fresh starting point, that's all :)

the ugly duckling re-imagined.

Ugly duckling,

whose soul knoweth sorrow;

suffereth abounding humiliation.

Thou heart languishes,

rigor mortis bites, jaws sinking;

sadness toucheth thee.

Careth not, dear cygnet,

for magnolia wings that caress the sky;

forsake graceful majesty.

Rise, treacherous phoenix,

feathers cloaked in night and shadows;

forget thy past and rebirth anew.

Vengeance and penance thou delivereth,

upon contemptuous, haughty fools of past;

in thou malevolent eyes none shall escape.

I suddenly came up with this slightly macabre version of the ugly duckling - don't know what it'll mean to you but, I guess I just suddenly felt the urge to express :)

To Yu Jie: Haha I've read your post. I read your blog every day haha. Sorry I haven't had the interest to blog about things :p i've been playing old games to pass time during the weekends apart from going to church on Sunday morning. Diablo 2 ftw. Haha.

Hope you're doing well in SISPEC; you're enjoying it, as expected. And yes pay day's coming soon so you can expect some tidy allowance to spend and invest :) have fun during your nights out and your precious weekends :)

Love, or L^$+.

Love. It's an emotion that all of us will feel at some point in our lives. It represents a kind of interdependence, a special form of synergy that draws two or more people into a friendship or relationship - and it continues to prosper from then onwards.

Yet, its essence has been horribly tainted by the foibles of mankind, so much that people nowadays cannot sometimes tell the difference between it, and its more devilish, darker version - Lust.

Lust, being more than one of the Seven Deadly Sins, is surely something that is pervading the world to its perverse state. It distorts the mind, twists it, engendering a whole new, grotesque mindset in an individual, as he or she starts to oust the more beautiful, lasting, but more complex feelings of Love, for its more ominous antonym.

Lust is - in essence - a force that corrupts humanity. A driving need that goes beyond rational into the realm of the irrational.

Pornography itself is harmless; compared to the effects that linger afterwards. The hunger, the seemingly constant need for more -the more exciting, thrilling, daring deeds that serve only to warp the mind into its poisoned state.

All around in the world, be it homosexuals or heterosexuals alike who hide insidiously behind the veneers of freedom, democracy, fashion and art, many people continue to toxify the world's innocence with pretenses of beauty, fame, and glory. Lust. The driving desire to want the physical more than the emotional. It strikes me so hard as I see the world as I knew it, transform itself before me into a more perverse version of its former self.

Not trying to be psychospiritual, I nonetheless feel that Nature - if not God - would take its course to heal what is diseased.

- composed with my iPhone on 27/07/2010 at 7:02am

Morning reflections.

I had a dream last night again. It was pretty scary, and I played a part inside.

Being an avid fan of Resident Evil, this certainly didn't surprise me.

Within a block of flats, there I was, running up a corridor with several friends. I held an old pump-action rifle in my left hand, and what seemed to be a custom-made mortar handcannon with a weird movable potato-chip shaped ring around it in my right. Me and what seemed like a group of friends ran up to this particular unit on a particular floor, killing zombies along the way. Surprisingly, what really terrified me in reality was not just the close encounters I had with the living dead, but the entire trepidation I felt throughout the entire dream.

I was afraid like any normal person, though I still had my sense and cognitive abilities to know I was in danger and should fire. Eventually though, zombies dead aside, I was down to one shot in each weapon.

All my friends decided there and then to escape the building and probably elsewhere where it might be safe. All that is, except one girl. I saw her on the floor of the (weirdly) barren and seemingly burnt unit, sobbing and refusing to leave.

I decided to stay too, for some reason.

And then, some other moments later, I woke up. And that was when I felt it.

All of a sudden, I began to think of the people who were close to me. I felt, for a few minutes, the same paralysing fear and terror I'd experienced while fighting off the living dead. I hugged things nearby close to me, be it my pillow or my blanket.

Thinking about it now on the train to work, perhaps the homily from yesterday was manifesting itself in my mind.

Yesterday, the priest of my RC church gave a very, VERY short homily compared to the sermons I've heard. The basic point was prayer, and he brought up giving thanks to God for the day for - 3 to 5 minutes each day.

I don't believe that it was a matter of coincidence. I believe God was telling me, at my very waking point, that I should, somehow, treasure the fact that I still lived to today.

Ok that's weird - Celine Dion's "A New Day Has Come" just played on my iPod as I'm typing this. Anyway.

Maybe, just maybe, the living dead represented - in essence - Death.

This leads me to wonder, perhaps, that there are so many of us so dead in our souls; that, in the most cliche tone possible, we forget to - not to admire the flowers at the side, but be grateful for the fact that we are even able to put our eyes to gaze upon them.

Ploughing through the monotonies of daily work life, I really wonder how many out there truly ponder on their lives, be it having meaningful, quiet dialogues with God or the other celestial entities that others believe in, or - in the few moments before slumber, truly reflect on the day today in the most psychospiritual way possible -

and then, in the days ahead, be thankful for actually living out each tomorrow, each warm sunshine, each glowing sunset.

- composed on my iPod on 26/07/10, 6:58am

the little reminders.

It never fails to warm me up. Getting an sms or a call from someone whom you regard as close to me, telling me that they're safe.

It's the flicker of light that appears at the end of a day of moving shadows. A flame that spurs you on in the frigidity of life. It's so short, so simple - yet so impactful.

It's strange how you can be mulling over something for so long and poof - it disappears. Just like that.

IKEA.

Thanks for going to IKEA with me Zul, otherwise I'd have to spend yet another weekend staring at the ceiling and sparring with emotions :)

EXCITED!

Zul, I stayed home all weekend alone last week so please, LET'S GO TO IKEA!!!

...or I'll strangle you.

Penning Down..

Yet another penned post on the 7th of July.

I don't know, I just find that if I didn't write all this at the spur of that moment I wouldn't have been able to blog my thoughts in the same way or better :)

For those who've just gotten their postings, good luck. To those who got into OCS, bite your t-shirt/fingers or your gums, and get ready for a certain kind of hell before...a certain kind of paradise.

Insecurity.

Insecurity is like summoning a anguished thunderstorm when someone you love moves a centimetre away from you to watch upon the flowers, and in the process disconnecting herself or himself away from your touch.

It's something that holds close meaning to me, and I know what it feels like in all its totality. You keep telling yourself not to worry - asking why you worry - trying hard to distract yourself from thinking too much. But then everything surges in like a storm being forced into a teacup.

Haha. Another of those random thoughts on a Sunday night.

It's another cold week ahead and I hope to derive warmth somewhere, at least from the sachets of tea I'll be making for self-enjoyment :)

The immortalisation of memories - an attempt to explain my vivid yet vague thoughts =/

I penned this whilist doing sidegate duty. I had a lot of thoughts, but I couldn't quite get them all to focus. Well, I felt it wasn't exactly the right time because there was noise around and I was a little uncomfortable. Ahh well. Here's what I wrote anyways I felt like putting it up.

On a happier note, tomorrow tim, yj and DAVID (ELMO!!) are booking out! Congrats on POP-ing in advance yj :) it's something happy for you and thus I'm happy too :)

Enjoy your block leave and get all your friends out for a ball of a time :)

Frustrated.

I don't know why, all of a sudden I feel so damnably alone. I set messing around with cards for about an hour. I threw and I threw them, I feel sorry for those that got really bent.

I keep thinking that my close friends are all going to book in and then...it sets in. That sudden feeling like everyone's away and you're left behind. It drove a hole inside me. So I threw more and I threw and I threw, trying to help myself.

For such a silent person, it really sucks to know that when you feel alone it hurts I don't know, usually I'd be numb to this back in secondary school and jc1 but now, it just doesn't work with me. I admit needing my close friends so much I would kill myself literally if one of them just...I don't know. Feeling very restless and worried now. I wish I could do something, you know?

To bring them back. I know, I'm just possessive and selfish.

And those who really matter, they make me worry the most too.

I miss Saturday, I really do. I spent time creating real memories and talking - instead of keeping quiet and letting blank pages of life line up on top of me. I wish those moments could last forever. I wish God could give me a true blue break.

I wish I had that kind of Perseverance.

I've just finished playing Alan Wake and it's really awesome, gameplay and stuff - it's probably one of only a few games that's caused me to reflect on things and on more dreary stuff :P this quote suddenly drafted itself in my head and so I decided to pen it down. Just for the sake of mentioning it.

"For even as Darkness surrounded him in clouds and pierced him, struck at him and tormented him, not once did he avert his gaze, musing even at the mere flickers of Light that serenaded the heavens above."

Emancipation.

It's like going into an air-conditioned room just after a bath; the feeling of emancipation from the previous day's hurt.

Like a warm zephyr settling itself around you after you were almost frozen to death.

Or like watching a beautiful, brilliant sunset, after the night had your eyes pierced with its shadowy manifestations. I watch the sun rise up and dominate the sky while Night's denizens run fearfully away, in terror of getting bathed in light.

Disconnection.

It's the sort of feeling where you feel that you could vanish in an instant and things would be the same. I'm not saying that I need to make an impact with whatever action I do - hell no.

It's the sort of situation where they're in front talking and you've got no idea or connection with what they're saying - disconnected. Trying hard to look like I'm part of them, with all the false smiles and laughter that I can't seem to get out in truth. It hurts when you know you're part of a blanket or string that ties two or more people together in friendship, yet you know you've got to break away because staying as a part of that blanket makes you feel like you shouldn't be a part of it. Like an old patch on a fresh white blanket.

I couldn't stomach any dinner tonight after going out. I felt so horrible inside all the way, through my own silence, through the movie and through the supermarket where I just wanted to be alone by myself. I wanted to go home, give my movie ticket to someone who wanted it and just be alone. I tried to hypnotise myself silently with recurring tunes in my head. I could hear conversations where I didn't know what they were talking about. I wished I could've become invisible and cry at some points in time, yet I tried so hard to appear normal when it felt like someone was turning a screw in my heart. I bit my lips to stop myself and my gums still it bled.

The movie felt more like a break from a heart-rending experience - and when I knew it was going to end I prayed hard that I could bear just a few more moments before I could cough up the excuse that I had to go home for dinner when I never do so unless out of pure desperation.

And then there was the MRT ride home. It hurt again, but at least I was alone. It's funny isn't it - to so many people it feels warm and fuzzy to be around the people you love; they love you back in return and you feel loved and everything's comfy. I wish I could've felt that feeling as a genuine one for once in my life. I wish I could've been born more normal and not someone who genuflects and reflects and is just so damned sensitive to everything it can kill me inside when I see this or that happening.

It's not paranoia. Do I really fit in? I'm sorry if I tried to fit myself in, but it's hurting me. Trying to get a circular screw inside a line. I miss the times past, yet the present pain makes everything hurt so badly. I wish so badly that I could've fit in, because you're such wonderful and nice people I could love.

I wish I could've liked to do an ambitious card routine or jog cards.

I wish I could've pointed at that custom t-shirt and smile with warmth in my heart.

I wish I could unfreeze that frostbite that hurts inside.

Dearest Lord, your punishment is fitting. I pay for my sins in due. Leave me to sleep and let my wounds heal now, for I have served my sentence.

Choices.

Today, I said no for the first time, even though deep down I really wanted to say yes.

I've been waiting ever so painfully, yet I felt if I had said yes, everything would've repeated itself again.

Welcome home yj.

Grats yj :) managed to book out today (tomorrow actually, since you probably came home at 1am). I wonder what happened; if your officers decided that they didn't want an RP person present to ruin their many-pizza dinners or buffets since it's the weekend.

Enjoy your Saturday! Spend it well.

Food.

Excessive food wastage is seriously a terrible, terrible sin.

Sorry yujie

Sorry yujie :( I really hope things get better for you.

Andrew

Monday blues, Saturday blacks.

Dear Yu Jie,

I've got another guard duty on Saturday, the person who rosters the duties has no senses whatsoever - uncivilised as he is. Gate I/C duty is horrible - it's no wonder they call NS a "liability". I wonder how much people are (not just transformed) but changed negatively after the whole experience. Nonetheless, really hope you're out of camp and making good use of your weekends.

Hope tim's out too so you both can go out and have lots of random fun. You've been in BMT for over a month now and - I guess it's coming to an end soon. Haha now I'm worrying about whether you'll be going to SISPEC or OCS *shivers*

Things aren't quite going well in the office for me per se; office politics really can be so much more sucky than physical training at times. It sucks to have breakfasts and lunchs with people in the office when at times the only things they talk about are work. It sucks to be seated and stuck in between two people in the same branch who are so conversant with each other in Chinese I sometimes wish the world that I was left alone to my own devices. Like stuck in some storeroom doing data entries. It sucks to be naive and believe that my boss is someone who knows to mix around well with people in the office rather than be stuck in the boss' office. It sucks to already begin to feel the impact of the fact that "when someone gains someone else has to suffer to compensate".

There are some really really nice people in the office - it's a pity that on a daily basis I can't interact with them as well as I should.

Haha. Just complaining and being a brat :) I know things aren't that swell for you as well.

Anyways, have fun during this weekend. I don't know whether it's right to say this but, I'm sorry you couldn't ask me to come out this weekend - again.

Close friends.

An extrovert can have about a hundred friends or more. Introverts might have less than 20 or 10 even. But often I wonder, no matter which type you swing more towards - who are the people you can truly say are close to you?

Friends are made by many, many ways - in the classroom, in CCAs, in church groups or youth groups, wherever. And it's nice to have friends around you. They keep you company, are able to enjoy experiences with you, and are a joy to have around when you need people to share your happy moments with.

Yet, when the going gets tough, when you're suffering in pain due to social or family issues, or for that matter personal issues - who are the people whom you can trust to talk face to face with, people whom you don't have to smile in front of like nothing's happening or upsetting you, people whom you feel can truly sit with you, side by side as you pour out everything that's been filling your heart's bottle; people who love to listen rather than the millions who love to speak out and be loud. People who are willing to draw out the depths of your thoughts without getting bored or feeling that you're weird.

Not just people who are with you through what they deem as happy times - and you smile along and pretend nothing's happened - when fear and pain are eating away inside of you.

Was just thinking about it after lunch today.

Another of those moments.

Long weekend.

It's the long weekend and I've got quite a lot of thoughts, be it about what's happening in the office and of course, my thoughts on Life in general.

Ending this week would mean one month in Clementi camp. Things have been quite heavy in terms of work. And it doesn't really help when you're new. And it also doesn't help when in your branch, you're seated in the middle of your supervisor and senior who keep talking to each other not just because their major is Chinese, but also because their talk is really work-centric and they get along well. Even eating lunch with them is hard.

To be honest, a lot of times I'd rather wish I were left alone. I tried it once, eating lunch by myself, but that senior was like

"Why are you eating alone?"

So I joined them out of formality.

I haven't got friends who would really listen to all of my thoughts too - plus they're actually training somewhere in the field or wherever - so sms-ing them is pretty pointless too.

Sounds a little cruel but, I really hope all those who are going to ORD this year will just quickly ORD and go away. It's not their sarcasm or being constantly reminded by them that they're going to ORD soon and you're not; I just thought that hopefully, it would be easier to make friends with new people. Meanwhile I'll find a way so I can eat alone or something.

I know that to most people, the more company the merrier. It almost always is like that among combat NSFs who love the camaraderie and the bonding and all that.

Yet to me, rather than hearing loud noises and all sorts of laughter and shouting - I would much rather be seated alone, possibly under a tree, where a cool breeze would be present amongst a scenery of sunset or spring.

Blissful Worries.

(Last evening I had a nice dinner with Yu Jie at Pizza Hut after work :) he'd just come out from BMT for the first time and it was really nice to see him again after so long. Yu Jie, really hope you had fun fanning cards after you left for home.)

It's my 4th week at my admin job in the army. I wrote this down during my free time in between tasks at work, so I'll be able to record my thoughts as accurately and vividly as possible.

During dinner that day, Timothy called Yu Jie. Apparently he'd just booked out from SISPEC as well, having had his second round of field camp :(. I saw the effects later on when me and yu jie met tim at Clementi MRT. Tim was visibly tired, carried a heavy field pack containing probably lots of used stuff from field camp - but the worst of it all was his heat rash. He constantly twitched due to the pain from the rash all around. Things only got slightly better when we got into his dad's car at Aljunied MRT. On a side note, thanks tim for offering to ask your dad whether he could send me to Lorong Chuan station to collect my bike, and your dad for agreeing to do so :)

It really did took me some time to consolidate my thoughts over the weekend. It was only now - today - when I went back to work and he back to camp, that I started to fully comprehend everything I'd been thinking about over the weekend. I was sitting comfortably and sleepily in the office.

I listened to random pockets of laughter around the office, feeling myself resting relatively comfortably on my seat. The friendly talk. The running sound of my PC. The whirring noise of photocopiers and printers.

And then all of a sudden I started to feel really worried and fearful. The more the full realisation of my thoughts came inside of me the more afraid I could feel myself becoming. And then it started to hurt as well.

It hurt inside me, looking at that heat rash that day. I became suddenly afraid for tim and yu jie - and not just them - everyone I knew, other people going through such a nasty time in the army no matter where they were, I worried not just for their safety, but their health and even their mind too.

Surely, through tough trainings and field camps and other stuff, my friends in combat NS would definitely have undergone very hard (and perhaps, cathartic) experiences. Perhaps, I thought, in that manner the army does help to....mature the mind in some awkward way.

Somehow or other, though, my mind constantly hooks itself onto the pains and struggles that they face while undergoing such training. I worry for them a lot, believe it or not. Even in my relatively safe and comfortable environment, I wondered how everyone was doing. I worried and pined for my close friends in particular.. Whether they were safe, coping well or barely - and just whether they were feeling okay inside. Can't really express myself too truthfully for fear of MSD stigmatization, but yeah.

Ultimately, in the comfortable bliss of today, worry lingers. Logically I know, it's not use to worry - but I still do anyway. It feels like a slow rain of ash, marring an otherwise perfect scenery of a new-born butterfly taking its new wings to flight. If only what I feel could truly be expressed into words.
I'm not trying to paint a bad picture of NS - perhaps there really are people out there who really like NS or have been....irrevocably changed by their own cathartic NS experiences.

It's just what I thought about today and what tugged at my heartstrings and what hurt me even in that relatively safe environment. And I felt like penning down my thoughts right at that moment.

Now I'm hoping that everyone out there's safe, that's all.

Wondering. Pondering.

I actually wonder sometimes what it's like, to live through life while being psychologically simplistic - being a child in heart and mind.

I admire my friends who can do that.

I've spent so much time pondering about life.

Perhaps that's why I'm being spared and freed from the many physically and mentally difficult training and field camps my friends are going through - maybe they need the cathartic army experiences a lot more than I am.

Just some thoughts I have.

For One More Day.

I haven't quite had the energy nor time to write an entry on this book since I finished reading it (again). But I realised that I couldn't properly start reading (again) The Five People You Meet In Heaven until I jotted my thoughts down on this book.

In a nutshell, the whole book is about someone screwing up his life, family and what not really badly - and is given the luckiest chance of his life; to meet his mother for a day, an experience that in the end changed his life before he passed away 5 years later.

I thought the plot was pretty good, but I was more touched by Chick's (protagonist) mother. How she yearned for such a good life for him. How she tried her best - despite the divorce - to provide a good childhood experience for her two children, Charley (Chick) and Roberta his younger sister. With this yearning, added on to her love for her children, she tried her best to raise them to be good and respectable people. Unfortunately, her husband didn't quite bother about how to raise the children properly, inadvertently ruining their lives.

It's strange in a way. Chick got so much of his mother's love that he felt a little sick of it because of all the hugs and kisses and expressions of love. He even resented her at times, and hurt her several times when she tried to make him and his sister happy or when she tried to stand up for him.

I pondered and reflected upon how Chick was so lucky - to have had a mother that genuinely cared for him so much, rather than just lump all her desries and what she couldn't achieve when she was younger. All the small stories about how Chick's mother tried so hard to be a good mother - and how Chick ruined all her effort: Bottomline, we often take what we have for granted. It's hard to find a mother or father (and moreso both) who truly loves you and supports you for what you are. To those of you out there who have such a set of precious parents, you're very blessed.

Tears.

"I thought about how often this way needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry."

- Mitch Albom

Tuesdays With Morrie

The idea of crying. How so often, it is related not just to girls, but the more important mistake: of weakness, of emotional instability. The Chinese were one of the first people to create so many quotes and sayings about, e.g. how a guy should not shed tears but only blood. And all that crap.

I feel it so important, to cry when you're feel upset, so down - that the first noise you'd make when you try to open your mouth to talk would be a tearful whimper. We are bred in a culture where crying is seen as a sign of weakness, an inability to tolerate or handle certain things. Yet, I pose the question - so what? Crying makes you feel better. When you're sad and you cry, you allow your emotions to wash over you, no matter if you're hugging your knees, a pillow, someone close to you, or even a stuffed toy. When you cry, you feel the totality of sadness overcoming you. You feel as if things welled up in your heart is suddenly and very uncontrollably letting themselves out. I don't quite know how else to describe such an experience.

It's better to let your emotions to wash over you, rather than let them well up inside of you and crush your heart from within.

So, to those of you out there - whether you're a boy or a girl - who cry and (yes) CAN cry, count yourself lucky. You have no idea how much luckier and blessed you are that those who can't cry - those who've been bred not to cry openly or even at all, those who have been so used to not crying they've feel so much worse because they can't, or those who don't allow themselves to cry because of social stereotypes. People may laugh and smirk at you, but deep down inside, whatever's hurting them is causing their heart even more pain than they realise themselves.

Don't be afraid or get even mildly uspet that you're emotional by nature, and when tears well up in your eyes easily be it when you get sad or emotional over something you're passionate about like your faith. Have a good cry, don't be afraid to lean on a friend or let it all out. Feel calmer and reborn the next day, in the waters of your own emotions. And let go.

Heartpain.

I really wished that, on that Sunday, I could've saved that large amount of food that was thrown away - I mean it. Seeing that amount of food going to waste and bring put near the rubbish was painful to bear.

Love each other or perish.

"Love each other or perish."

- W.H. Auden

One of the more...poignant moments as I re-read Tuesdays With Morrie for the 2nd time. I'd read it sometime back when I was Sec 4 or J1. The train ride from my house to the army camp I work in is very long; thus explaining my sudden..."desire" to read books. I'd finished reading Mitch Albom's Have A Little Faith in just about 1 and a half days. And here I am now, pondering over his most famous and most thought-provoking - yet simply structured and written - book.

Love each other or perish. It indeed sounds profoundly fascinating and intriguing from Mitch's and Morrie's perspective, yet how sad the real truth is in today's world.

"Earn a living and be rich, or perish." It's sad how our earliest ancestors or our poorer counterparts across the globe are so much better off that us in the realm of love and happiness. The Ethiopians, desperately poor but so full of life and love, are indeed happier than many of the rich and powerful that currently dominate our world with their wealth, status and power.

In Singapore, it's rare to find a family (let alone clusters of people) that has deep familial love within. Out of the (I know it's pretty few) friends that I know, I know only one person so far who's been gifted and blessed with that. And it's wonderful. Each time I go to that person's house, I feel it - that colourful, warm, close love within the family. I feel it ever so palpably from the perspective of an outsider - it's like pixie dust or glitter, swirling around an otherwise monotonous snowman in a globe. Such love is pure, pristine, unconditional and unadulterated, born from the guidance of two great parents, graced by one great Father above. It permeates the home (not house) that they live in. Even when exchanging casual comments between themselves, I can easily feel that closeness - so much I sometimes feel a little threatened by my own intruding existence :)

Love, something so omnipotent, something so immaculate in nature. Something that, as today's people strive for perfection, wealth, status, academic acknowledgement and other materialistic and physical ideals, simply slips through their fingers, and disappears.

Perhaps only when one realises its importance in daily life; when one learns to cherish whatever little or abundant love that he/she possesses - perhaps only when one stands on the dangerous, uncertain precipice of death, whether due to old age or sickness - that the importance of love will overwhelm them in their otherwise drab and sad existence.

Love each other or perish.

It's a pity things aren't quite like that, eh Morrie? :)

Resident Evil 5 - The Mercenaries Reunion

To those of you who know what I'm talking about:

Excella Gionne is my favourite character! She does look like some sort of an Italian secret service agent, I just realised. Anyway, she looks really cool, her voice is charming, and some of her melee moves are powerful - although some sound really funny too. I especially like the way she taunts people.

Can't wait to play her again tomorrow. A shout-out to the guy who played Mercenaries Reunion online with me just now where I used Excella and he used Rebecca - you're amazing, good to team up with, and great job to the both of us for that 150x combo.

"You're just not ready for me." - Excella Gionne

Fitting in.

Things are starting to look less...unfamiliar and unfriendly at the unit I was posted to. On Monday when I got there I remember feeling dead scared. I didn't dare to slouch for fear of being shouted at and virtually every time someone else other than me (and the others similarly posted to this unit) walked past, I would sit up as straight as hell and tense up very badly. Thank God I've been posted to a more....(literally)...segregated section from the rest of the office. I've been warned that the work's tough, but I'll really try my best to learn the ropes and to be familiar with what I need to know *throws in 1001 acronyms used in the SAF* so that no one gets upset because I screwed up.

Even thought I've been a just little blur at times, I'm asking questions. Because I think if I don't clear the air and leave bits of smog around they'll choke me to death eventually. What makes things more bearable is that my supervisor's really nice - my guess is she's the supervisor who treats to newbies best :) thank God for that. The seniors in the same section as me - thank goodness - seem not to have any issue with me. Generally, I'd say the typical NSF has 95% of his brain dedicated to smut, derogatory and dirty jokes and humour, and that they're inconsiderate, sadistic fools who - upon getting an understudy - just throwing everything to the understudy and crushing him while at it.

On Friday we ended work early and the heads treated the office to a thai restaurant buffet at Liang Court. Things became uncomfortable for me when I was seated at my table. Apart from that one other recruit who generally like to stick to for help, and another nice senior I got to know through him, the others were unfamiliar to me. I got scared and felt weird-placed especially towards the end of the dinner when people were taking photos and such in the restaurant. Everyone (literally) was either laughing, smiling, drinking whatever was left on the table or chatting vivaciously with the people around them while I leaned awkwardly against a pole and continuously bit my lower lip.

Bah whatever. This weekend I've got an extra day off because the office head's really nice. I'm not sure about how I'll do starting next week (this week the first 2 days were wasted due to pure waiting in one room the whole day). I'm afraid that I'll not meet the expectations of my supervisor and head, so hopefully I'll be able to watch and learn in double time.

Being busy and guarded all the time in the office, I generally try to avoid getting out of the office unless it's really urgent or it's lunch. When there's no one else around in my section I'd sit there and take forty winks or play some random game on my handphone. Not to beat about the bush, I guess what I'm thinking now is that the seniors ORD as soon as possible so I wouldn't feel so restricted. Hopefully too, my mind'll take some time off from mulling over things.

Thoughts for the day.

I'm done with BMT at Tekong already, after 5 1/2 days. I thought a lot about things though - I guess introspection and reflection really are my main hobbies, fortunately or unfortunately :) I really did like the moments when there was silence around me - especially at night when the only sounds I heard were the fans blowing from the ceiling. As I went through each day, I could take my mind away from my own situation and I learnt to observe others.

My heart really went out to the recruits who went through the normal BMT. I believe the worst culture shock would've gone to the people who've never ever faced regimentation, harsh treatment and most importantly - who simply can't take the pressure of their new lives. I saw it on all of their faces as I walked past some of them after meals: Fear, frustration, dejection - one in note as if he was damned.

Of course there are the usual gung-ho people, people who take army in a neutral manner and those who simply don't care which way they end up.

It's a pity I don't have the privacy to state my truthful thoughts on BMT and tekong life itself - so I can't and won't.

Anyway, next week, I start work as a administrative assistant somewhere in Singapore. Well, perhaps my duties would distract me from my thoughts. I keep wondering what'd happen on Monday - if I would screw up or embarrass myself or worse still, get myself confined in camp. I wonder who'll be the person to teach me and if he's nice. I wonder if I'll be able to absorb myself in work so things could feel slightly less messy and cacophonous in my mind. I keep thinking about the already few friends I have - if those whom I treasure most could actually end up steering further and further away from me - not just due to my personality - but moreso the erasing effects of time. I wonder if next time after NS I would see some person who I've not seen in 2-3 years and then we'd just say a simple hi and walk away....yet again.

Well, my life has been made up of many transient friendships here and there - so perhaps I shouldn't be too surprised at how things might turn out in the end.