Disconnection.

It's the sort of feeling where you feel that you could vanish in an instant and things would be the same. I'm not saying that I need to make an impact with whatever action I do - hell no.

It's the sort of situation where they're in front talking and you've got no idea or connection with what they're saying - disconnected. Trying hard to look like I'm part of them, with all the false smiles and laughter that I can't seem to get out in truth. It hurts when you know you're part of a blanket or string that ties two or more people together in friendship, yet you know you've got to break away because staying as a part of that blanket makes you feel like you shouldn't be a part of it. Like an old patch on a fresh white blanket.

I couldn't stomach any dinner tonight after going out. I felt so horrible inside all the way, through my own silence, through the movie and through the supermarket where I just wanted to be alone by myself. I wanted to go home, give my movie ticket to someone who wanted it and just be alone. I tried to hypnotise myself silently with recurring tunes in my head. I could hear conversations where I didn't know what they were talking about. I wished I could've become invisible and cry at some points in time, yet I tried so hard to appear normal when it felt like someone was turning a screw in my heart. I bit my lips to stop myself and my gums still it bled.

The movie felt more like a break from a heart-rending experience - and when I knew it was going to end I prayed hard that I could bear just a few more moments before I could cough up the excuse that I had to go home for dinner when I never do so unless out of pure desperation.

And then there was the MRT ride home. It hurt again, but at least I was alone. It's funny isn't it - to so many people it feels warm and fuzzy to be around the people you love; they love you back in return and you feel loved and everything's comfy. I wish I could've felt that feeling as a genuine one for once in my life. I wish I could've been born more normal and not someone who genuflects and reflects and is just so damned sensitive to everything it can kill me inside when I see this or that happening.

It's not paranoia. Do I really fit in? I'm sorry if I tried to fit myself in, but it's hurting me. Trying to get a circular screw inside a line. I miss the times past, yet the present pain makes everything hurt so badly. I wish so badly that I could've fit in, because you're such wonderful and nice people I could love.

I wish I could've liked to do an ambitious card routine or jog cards.

I wish I could've pointed at that custom t-shirt and smile with warmth in my heart.

I wish I could unfreeze that frostbite that hurts inside.

Dearest Lord, your punishment is fitting. I pay for my sins in due. Leave me to sleep and let my wounds heal now, for I have served my sentence.