The power of Negativity

I was just playing 2 dota games with a close friend just now, and I felt something very horrible happen to me. In the first game, I kept losing and losing to him. Now anyone who knows me would know not to challenge me at dota because they'd be bored killing the same under-levelled fool over and over again, getting imba items and repeating the process tenfold. Well, this friend of mine's a pro, and naturally, I kept falling and falling.

I told myself, "Never mind, it's only a game nothing much, why bother?". Ironically, the horrifying thing (to me) was that my mind didn't tell me what my heart did. Well, my heart in its figurative sense. Literally though, my heart started to pump faster. I got angrier each time he killed me, each time he talked to me or taunted me even though they were friendly. Each time I died, I kept trying to tell myself that it didn't matter, but it didn't seem to help.

I could feel my mind summoning up negative emotions of all kinds relevant. Anger, vengeance, hatred even. It was as if my mind was forcing itself to focus a deadly portion of negativity towards this friend of mine, SOLELY because he was beating me at DOTA. It sounds silly I know. "You're just being a loser", you may think but truthfully, I was deathly afraid of how I was reacting to a simple game. Reacting to a friend winning me at a simple computer game with such negative energy that, if I could manifest within the minutes I felt them, would have blasted a hole through my wall out into the open. All this while, my heart was like an almost-unheard voice throughout this confusion, trying continuously and painstakingly to convince me otherwise while negative dark energy overwhelmed its cries.

Look, I'm trying not to be overly dramatic and insane-sounding; this was really what I felt. It was only after the second game when the tables turned over, when I killed him once, and again, and again, that everything started to soothe down. When I finally did calm down, I then started to feel afraid. I was able to reflect so much on what i felt just now that I was afraid of myself for who I am - some person who's apparently so powerfully adept at summoning up negative emotions. I was afraid.

Then I just felt like blogging it.