By myself.

Things have been pretty boring of late, and I've been re-playing Fatal Frame II to pass the time. Really wanted to play Fatal Frame 4; even though it's Wii-exclusive, the trailer looks amazing and the story as Shinto-ish and exotic as ever. Then I figured I couldn't play as well on a Wii.

Well, the holiday has also provided more than ample opportunity for reflection. I think, each time I take a train, bus, cycle (besides speeding) or walk alone, somehow or another, I would reflect upon something - be it of a certain person's actions, dressing, etc. or even something that I remember.

And today it was about being alone.

"No man is an island." - I'm sure many of us have heard of or know this phrase. Yet, I wonder how many of us out there are nonetheless, still islands, be it because of physical, psychological,social, etc. barriers.

Before JC1, I didn't really know what it was like to be REALLY alone. That didn't mean that I was the most social animal in class either. I had a few friends here and there, and at least I spoke with them regularly - at school or on MSN. Maris Stella for me had fond memories here and there. SJI's first two years were spent rather frivolously too; naively so maybe. At this point, I give credit to Bryan Lim and Marcus Sim. These were two friends of mine who I'd met while I was in the SJI Military Band - all 3 of us quit the band together, started up a Debating Society together, and as such, we hung out together a lot.

In Sec 3 and 4 - not counting the horrible first few months of Sec 3 - I did make several good friends too. But along came JC.

And that was when I realised how upsetting it could be to be alone.

The first 3-4 months of orientation was quite simply horrifying. Smsing my SJI friends had almost no effect because I found almost no people whom I could really relate to. I recall myself looking at my watch more than I did my surroundings, praying desperately for each horrible, terrible - terrible day of orientation to be over. Within my OG, unlike the frivolities of everyone else, I didn't associate at all unless I had to. Although there was a short surprise when an OG mate was Yu Jie's cousin, that proved fruitless to even damage the walls that had started to form in my mind. When my class was assigned, things were even worse. J1 was basically the most horrible year of my life in general - J2 wasn't much better too until the later half of the year.

Through all this, I learnt to adapt to being alone. Without dramaticising, I basically withdrew myself a lot. I can't possibly put everything I went through in here - my thoughts are effectively whirling right now haha - and so I'm not going to.

Two years of JC certainly transformed me. It was during these two years that I learnt to see life from the eyes of someone who was constantly alone, be it a depressed person or what not.
I began to speak a lot less, but I opened my eyes a lot more. Observing and perceiving rather than talking, I began to unconsciously withdraw myself from different kinds of social conversations or circles. I started to look and observe people more than I had ever done before, to perceive what was going on in a certain person's mind, guessing what he/she was feeling based on how that person acted or what he/she said. It's what really drew me to psychology in the end actually haha.

I don't know if I should even say "If only I were someone with social circles, constantly having many many friends and having fun.".

Strangely, upon reflecting now, I really don't think I could see myself becoming someone like that. Although I'm sure if I did, I would really have smiled and laughed a lot. Maybe I would've liked that.

Oh well :p