Indifference

I'm not proud of my 'A' Level Results, nor am I disappointed. It's not because I'm being elitist - moreso that I'm not an ambitious person by nature. Well, I guess another explanation was that when I felt slightly proud of myself for doing well for 'O' Levels, the two self-centered patron saints of my life totally turned that around, used my good results against me and drove me into 2 years of generally recurring, depressive episodes.

I felt almost pure indifference when I got them back, really. Nothing of the wild, almost babaric emotions others displayed. Well, whatever. It's over. To hell with all the "I could've done better" and sobbing and regretting and all that bullcrap.

When I got my results I strode out of school and went for a quiet lunch (although it was sort of ruined because I forgot I couldn't pay with NETS and that the supposedly superb molten chocolate cake terribly disappointed me); the only things that I did were to sms my results to satisfy the hunger of the persistent parents and my siblings. One special note for my mother:

"No matter what it is, just let me know immediately." as if she'd accept "no matter what it is". The very next day just when I woke up she came into my room and asked crap questions about the 'D' I got. My dad the same. Oh, and did I mention my mom said she decided that she would have nothing to do with my uni course choice, because she didn't want to be blamed? Well, shortly after she tried to force the screws of medicine and law into my square train of thought.

To make things better, one of my maternal uncles called me, congratulated me in that academic tone, and told me that "it's difficult to make a good decision at this point in time" and to "keep my doors open". Then, he proceeded into long, poetic strings of advice with a bottom line for me to do - yes, medicine:

1) "You know, we usually fall sick on Saturdays and Sundays where doctors' clinics usually aren't open.....and so..."

2) "It would be good to have another doctor in the family"

3) "Your cousin also thought she didn't want to do medicine but now she's a family doctor"

and all that nonsense. It's no wonder my mom's the same. And it's no wonder my siblings turned out like that too. I'm not trying to be judgmental, but this is two generations (or more) of hereditary, academic, trains of thought.

It's a pity to them, I know, that they didn't have a more ambitious and aspiring child.

Don't look behind.