It hurts.

A lot of times, I feel like I'm losing friends whom I thought were close to me to other new friends that came along. And it hurts badly...one wonders whether I'm irrational - but it hurts anyhow.

It's Saturday.

It's Saturday and i've just practically spent most of the day playing Final Fantasy VIII, haha - am going out to dinner with some friends after posting this blogpost.

Things've been busy as of late - ranking boards' period has arrived and I've already started staying back late to finish work and prepare date; I really hope the next few weeks won't be as painful. I actually wanna get back to work asap :p the weekends are pretty much at home for me - I'd rather work myself off so time'd pass faster and things would just pass and I'd forget things I've been trying to forget these few weeks.

Alright, going out for dinner now.

ZZZZ.

Recently my dad, whose business hasn't been doing well at all, has been resorting to fengshui thingies to try to improve his financial "qi". Now i've got mirrors on nearly all the bathroom doors, some funny mini fountain next to the dining room tv, several pots of glass stones lying around and even quartz crystals in funny glass pots. There's even a plate with gold coins lying on the table next to the front door.

Personally I don't believe in fengshui; it's a wonder how my family's actually Roman Catholic, yet Chinese cultural and spiritual beliefs still stick so firmly around.

I'll bet God must be laughing his ass off at those bits of rock and stuff :)

More importantly though, I find it funny when here he is worrying about money issues and being financially crippled - and there my mom is telling him about it while she splurges money on tuition and (ffs) expensive organic food. What a fantastic way to save money!

Honestly though, after my younger sister's PSLE if my mom gets or even PERSISTS on giving her tuition, i'm going to go guns-a-blazing on her. It's may not be right to be disrespectful and hate my mom for it; but she's already ruined 3 lives with her utilitarian, financial and economic mind-control methods and she's not going to ruin a 4th.

Tuesday blues to be.

This week's going to be shorter thanks to Monday being off. Hopefully the weekends'll come soon so I can spend some more precious time with...myself :p narh. Actually...during the weekdays from Wednesday i wish the weekends would come sooner yet - especially on Saturday night - I wish I could go back to the office and load myself with work.

Today's cohesion was pretty good at least for me, amidst many drain-cleaners and missed spares. Thanks to: Kevin, who jumped around pretty hilariously although his Physics visual power was so strong; and Mdm Karen & Kanna, who made my missed bowls seem not so bad by applauding anyway. Don't care if you're not reading this but I sure wanted to give you three my thanks :)

Although, that feeling I felt yesterday at McDonald's still hurt strongly inside of me. I could feel like my chest was being sucked in from within, and it hurt.

Nonetheless, Tuesday's coming soon.

..

I really wish I was different so we could be better friends; everyone keeps talking about individuality and all but, what if I really - really, didn't like how I am? It's not a common case of trying to fit in with the popular kids - it's really that I see you as someone so special amongst the world's denizens I could spend hours writing about how blessed you are.

God let us meet, but I feel like in a cruel twist of fate he made it such that you'd be impossible for me to grasp.

I wish I didn't have to feel like this.

Again.

Dear God,

I got shot today at McDonald's, just as AHM was finishing. As i try to forget what i feel is lost, you caress my mind with what seems like hope.

I know that you're up there, watching everyone in your almighty goodness and love. You watch over us on Earth; i know because I've seen you love people like they've been blessed since birth. I still see you love them, building their lives perfectly.

Ephesians 4:11.

Dearest Lord, i've been trying hard to struggle in my faith in you. The fool puts temptations in my way and i fall and stumble each time, yet something always brings me back to talk to you - to trust in you. I only wish each time i come back to you it weren't in shame.

I take my rest now Lord; at times, I really wish i could be sure you were there for me - for i see the devil around me, laughing and cackling in his army of the world.

wtf?

Just now we celebrated my sister's birthday - and right after the blowing of the candles, when everyone was eating cake, my father started bringing my little sister's primary school math question to my second brother and asked him on his opinion.

And at that moment, I thought, NEVER, NEVER in my life if I had kids, would I do this to my children, EVER.

Sleeping.

So many worried and depressed people think that, in sleep they can get freedom from the thoughts that haunt and sadden their mind. In truth however, they feel not the hours that pass by while they're in slumber - but genuinely only, mere seconds.

Just a thought I had on a public holiday while watching the late afternoon sky.

Mortifying.

I hate that God created me so...unstable, so vulnerable to the people around me; so dependent on them. I hate the devil who subverts my humane desires and wants, infesting them wantonly.

Lord, why do you allow that evil devil; that prince of the power of the air to touch me, defile me, laughing as he beguiled me. Why do you allow him to wreak havoc , bringing me no semblance of mental peace; subverting my new acquaintances and friends and exposing them to wicked and ungodly desires?

The holy and those bathed in light turn away from you. The parasites the devil had planted in my mind and in the core of my very soul; they eat away at me, killing me and driving me crazy.

Lord, if art thou worthy - why condone these foolish yet weakening acts of the foolish angel you created? Has thou forsaken me?

Hosea 2 rings in my head, chiming it's warnings out to me.

ELI, ELI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?

Random Haiku

Hark, thou shameless child

your sorrows hide in your smiles;

you shall know not love.

Created a random haiku on the train back home ..