Frustrated.

I don't know why, all of a sudden I feel so damnably alone. I set messing around with cards for about an hour. I threw and I threw them, I feel sorry for those that got really bent.

I keep thinking that my close friends are all going to book in and then...it sets in. That sudden feeling like everyone's away and you're left behind. It drove a hole inside me. So I threw more and I threw and I threw, trying to help myself.

For such a silent person, it really sucks to know that when you feel alone it hurts I don't know, usually I'd be numb to this back in secondary school and jc1 but now, it just doesn't work with me. I admit needing my close friends so much I would kill myself literally if one of them just...I don't know. Feeling very restless and worried now. I wish I could do something, you know?

To bring them back. I know, I'm just possessive and selfish.

And those who really matter, they make me worry the most too.

I miss Saturday, I really do. I spent time creating real memories and talking - instead of keeping quiet and letting blank pages of life line up on top of me. I wish those moments could last forever. I wish God could give me a true blue break.

I wish I had that kind of Perseverance.

I've just finished playing Alan Wake and it's really awesome, gameplay and stuff - it's probably one of only a few games that's caused me to reflect on things and on more dreary stuff :P this quote suddenly drafted itself in my head and so I decided to pen it down. Just for the sake of mentioning it.

"For even as Darkness surrounded him in clouds and pierced him, struck at him and tormented him, not once did he avert his gaze, musing even at the mere flickers of Light that serenaded the heavens above."

Emancipation.

It's like going into an air-conditioned room just after a bath; the feeling of emancipation from the previous day's hurt.

Like a warm zephyr settling itself around you after you were almost frozen to death.

Or like watching a beautiful, brilliant sunset, after the night had your eyes pierced with its shadowy manifestations. I watch the sun rise up and dominate the sky while Night's denizens run fearfully away, in terror of getting bathed in light.

Disconnection.

It's the sort of feeling where you feel that you could vanish in an instant and things would be the same. I'm not saying that I need to make an impact with whatever action I do - hell no.

It's the sort of situation where they're in front talking and you've got no idea or connection with what they're saying - disconnected. Trying hard to look like I'm part of them, with all the false smiles and laughter that I can't seem to get out in truth. It hurts when you know you're part of a blanket or string that ties two or more people together in friendship, yet you know you've got to break away because staying as a part of that blanket makes you feel like you shouldn't be a part of it. Like an old patch on a fresh white blanket.

I couldn't stomach any dinner tonight after going out. I felt so horrible inside all the way, through my own silence, through the movie and through the supermarket where I just wanted to be alone by myself. I wanted to go home, give my movie ticket to someone who wanted it and just be alone. I tried to hypnotise myself silently with recurring tunes in my head. I could hear conversations where I didn't know what they were talking about. I wished I could've become invisible and cry at some points in time, yet I tried so hard to appear normal when it felt like someone was turning a screw in my heart. I bit my lips to stop myself and my gums still it bled.

The movie felt more like a break from a heart-rending experience - and when I knew it was going to end I prayed hard that I could bear just a few more moments before I could cough up the excuse that I had to go home for dinner when I never do so unless out of pure desperation.

And then there was the MRT ride home. It hurt again, but at least I was alone. It's funny isn't it - to so many people it feels warm and fuzzy to be around the people you love; they love you back in return and you feel loved and everything's comfy. I wish I could've felt that feeling as a genuine one for once in my life. I wish I could've been born more normal and not someone who genuflects and reflects and is just so damned sensitive to everything it can kill me inside when I see this or that happening.

It's not paranoia. Do I really fit in? I'm sorry if I tried to fit myself in, but it's hurting me. Trying to get a circular screw inside a line. I miss the times past, yet the present pain makes everything hurt so badly. I wish so badly that I could've fit in, because you're such wonderful and nice people I could love.

I wish I could've liked to do an ambitious card routine or jog cards.

I wish I could've pointed at that custom t-shirt and smile with warmth in my heart.

I wish I could unfreeze that frostbite that hurts inside.

Dearest Lord, your punishment is fitting. I pay for my sins in due. Leave me to sleep and let my wounds heal now, for I have served my sentence.

Choices.

Today, I said no for the first time, even though deep down I really wanted to say yes.

I've been waiting ever so painfully, yet I felt if I had said yes, everything would've repeated itself again.

Welcome home yj.

Grats yj :) managed to book out today (tomorrow actually, since you probably came home at 1am). I wonder what happened; if your officers decided that they didn't want an RP person present to ruin their many-pizza dinners or buffets since it's the weekend.

Enjoy your Saturday! Spend it well.

Food.

Excessive food wastage is seriously a terrible, terrible sin.

Sorry yujie

Sorry yujie :( I really hope things get better for you.

Andrew

Monday blues, Saturday blacks.

Dear Yu Jie,

I've got another guard duty on Saturday, the person who rosters the duties has no senses whatsoever - uncivilised as he is. Gate I/C duty is horrible - it's no wonder they call NS a "liability". I wonder how much people are (not just transformed) but changed negatively after the whole experience. Nonetheless, really hope you're out of camp and making good use of your weekends.

Hope tim's out too so you both can go out and have lots of random fun. You've been in BMT for over a month now and - I guess it's coming to an end soon. Haha now I'm worrying about whether you'll be going to SISPEC or OCS *shivers*

Things aren't quite going well in the office for me per se; office politics really can be so much more sucky than physical training at times. It sucks to have breakfasts and lunchs with people in the office when at times the only things they talk about are work. It sucks to be seated and stuck in between two people in the same branch who are so conversant with each other in Chinese I sometimes wish the world that I was left alone to my own devices. Like stuck in some storeroom doing data entries. It sucks to be naive and believe that my boss is someone who knows to mix around well with people in the office rather than be stuck in the boss' office. It sucks to already begin to feel the impact of the fact that "when someone gains someone else has to suffer to compensate".

There are some really really nice people in the office - it's a pity that on a daily basis I can't interact with them as well as I should.

Haha. Just complaining and being a brat :) I know things aren't that swell for you as well.

Anyways, have fun during this weekend. I don't know whether it's right to say this but, I'm sorry you couldn't ask me to come out this weekend - again.