"ORD loh."

Truth be told, while NS has certainly provided some life-changing experiences thus far, it's hard to accept that most if not all of my friends would ORD before I did. It's the sort of feeling where you're being left behind while everyone else (not goes out and enjoys stuff with their friends or gets to travel) but moves on with their lives. It's not about that they get to go overseas or more holidays before university - it's about moving on more quickly than you are.

While I've definitely got a much less strenuous time, it's sort of hard to accept that my friends will get to move on with their lives faster than you.

I imagine this scene of me calling after them to wait for me as they run away into the blinding light while I'm still stuck here, being forced to walk and not run.

Even though, no matter what after 2 years we'll all have finished - I somehow still have doubts about the future; what would happen to friendships? Would they stand the test of time? Would too long an absence somehow not make the heart grow fonder anymore - and just decide to move along without waiting?

Maybe it's just me being paranoid, but that really scares me alot.

I wish I could ORD the same time as then. If I could turn back the clock, I would definitely choose to have enlisted 2 months earlier; just enough so that we could ORD together. It's strange for me because all of a sudden, the word "together" means a lot to me.

rush of warmth and forgiveness.

I feel I've got a lot to thank God for yesterday - as well as what he's tried to teach me through this short experience. Last night, I met up with a close friend of mine who just came back from Australia. I hadn't seen him in a very long time - since bumping into each other at AHM. And to be honest, I confess i originally thought I'd lost this friendship of ours. We hadn't talked in a long time; I believed he'd - like many others who left - been "lost".

For years - due to several similar instances in secondary school - I came to believe (or understand, at that time) that friendships would never ever last unless the parties involved communicated on a regular basis. I've had several friends whom I thought were close to me, start to make their own friendships during jc/poly times after secondary school. As time passed, we lost much communication, and the friendships were lost as we drifted further apart.

It's the kind of feeling where your supposedly close friends "left" you for friends elsewhere - and realizing that hurt me a lot, especially since I grew attached to them. I re-defined my own personal definition of a "close friend" soon after my SJI days.

I shelled myself up tremendously and I didn't want to make any close friends. Yet similarly, perhaps in my nature, I became to feel insecure somehow.

I've tried to let my NS office work tire me out so I wouldn't think too much about things but, I found myself feeling lost every night before bed - till the next morning when work would occupy my thoughts once again.

I thanked God for allowing me to "regain" this close friend. I was happy. For the first time in very long, I slept well that night, undisturbed by strong heartbeats or cold sweat.

From a Christian perspective, I would say I already owe God so much for my sins and sinful nature -----

I certainly didn't deserve this experience (and the cookies and surprise presents), and I know I'll treasure them close to my heart :)