this morning and on the train.

It's been a mentally horrifying night, and the effects linger till now as I type this.

I dreamt of a Daybreakers'-like scenario which creeped me out quote badly; my heart continues to palpitate even now as i'm on the train to work. Mistake not, these are no figments of my imagination - somehow, these supposedly revealed themselves through my subconscious.

...

The first scene I remember is me, a certain friend, and a large group of other friends walking together. It feels like the kind of advertisement for action blockbusters - a large group of humans walking slowly towards the tv screen.

Next I knew, the light in the surrounding area around me vanished. Suddenly, that large group was reduced to just me, that certain friend and a much smaller group of friends. We were in a dark walkway. I remember distinctly the presence of a downward staircase next to where we were standing. A group of demonic creatures were sprinting in our direction from one side, obviously eager for violence and gore. Suddenly, in some slow motion scene of HD quality, the remaining people missing from our group showed themselves on our other side.

But they were different then already.

Their skin was pale white, and they hurtled themselves forward at breakneck speed. I saw them throwing cleavers towards our demonic adversaries. The cleavers flew fast, and I remember myself wondering how they managed to pluck up the strength to throw those cleavers at such a great speed.

Our enemies fell, but something else happened soon after. Our pale-skinned counterparts turned on us. I remember them throwing cleavers towards us; I saw one get sandwiched in the middle of two of my fingers (can't remember which hand). Next thing I knew, several of them were already upon me. A few of them sunk their fangs into me, while others - for some reason, seemed to draw wax symbols on my arms with candles and pressing into them with their fingers.

*some scenes cut out*

And then, I found myself and that certain friend in the back seat of a luxurious car, with a vampiric lady in the driver's seat; she was talking to someone in the front seat, also a vampire. After her conversation, she turned around to us and told us to "chop off our tails while we're still new".

Then, I felt a painful sensation on my rear; the thing....the...appendage or something that stuck out of me felt like those bag-sealing things that they used at Mustafa's, just that it was embedded in between my rear and poking somewhere painfully.

...

I woke up, freezing and afraid in the darkness of my room. Realizing it was 6:08 on my iPhone - late - I got up, mentally shocked. Lol the first thing I did was to feel if there was anything in between behind. I went to the bathroom and looked at my half bloodshot eyes in the mirror.

And the rest is that.

It shocked me quite badly though; I still felt disorientated and scared even through taking the train.

Hosea 2:2-13

I've decided to start a mini segment on bible reflection; it sort of comes to me - not every time I listen to a pastor preach - but often on those lone rides back from church or from work. This week I look at Hosea 2:2-13.

² "Rebuke your mother, rebuke her,
for she is not my wife,
and I am not her husband.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face
and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.

³ Otherwise I will strip her naked
and make her as bare as on the day she was born;
I will make her like a desert,
turn her into a parched land,
and slay her with thirst.

⁴ I will not show my love to her children,
because they are the children of adultery.

⁵ Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, 'I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'

⁶ Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

⁷ She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'

⁸ She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal.

⁹ "Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens,
and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen,
intended to cover her nakedness.

¹⁰ So now I will expose her lewdness
before the eyes of her lovers;
no one will take her out of my hands.

¹¹ I will stop all her celebrations:
her yearly festivals, her New Moons,
her Sabbath days—all her appointed feasts.

¹² I will ruin her vines and her fig trees,
which she said were her pay from her lovers;
I will make them a thicket,
and wild animals will devour them.

¹³ I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,"
declares the LORD.

It made me afraid, listening to Pastor Edwin preach this segment of the bible.

Essentially, in a small nutshell, it talks of a prophecy of Israel - in all it's sinfulness and God trying so hard to reconcile Israel back to Him, he eventually decides to leave it's northern part to be conquered by the Assyrians. He represents this with Hosea, who He asks to marry Gomer, an adulterous woman. Hosea prophecises Israel's eventual demise and reconciliation through Gomer actions after marrying her.

What made me feel afraid was the punishment of Israel by God. Hosea described this so...terrifyingly in verse 3, "...I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst."It got me reflecting on my life as I took the bus back home; not just today but last week too when Pastor Edwin introduced this notion of God's wrath against the continually sinful within Hosea 1. I thought too about the significance of God using constant failures, depressive moments and other sad events to reconcile us to Him.

I miss God.

Sometimes I wish the world that the Holy Spirit would take away my mental desires so I could go back to God. Being quiet and more reflective at times opens my mind to see things; to feel emotions that other are unable to experience or find weird, but yet I feel that it compounds the effect that mental corruption can have on me.

(I wonder if you're feeling lost already, haha. If you are, don't worry.)

I believe that God has a perfect plan for everyone wishing to know Him and seek Him. Thus I wonder sometimes why I feel the emotions that I do every morning or every night. It really feels, after today, that God is trying to point me back in the right directions- in my sins and in my faults, in all the ungodly things I've done and covered up with methods to make myself feel better. I feel like I'm, in Pastor Edwin's words, doing "mix and match" - trying to find mental explanations to my sins in order to find myself feel not so guilty when I sin.

Perhaps he's trying to push me to come back to Him; even at the extent of taking people I love away from me. Maybe he doesn't want me to be with them, in my sins.

Though somehow, I wish I could tell Him that he's forcing me more into silence and self-absorption once again. I wish He could take away the devil that laughs at me when I fall to it in sin. I wish the demons that harass me each day could be punished for picking on someone smaller than them.

I'm trying Lord, not to answer the door when the devil knocks. Though, I feel demons assisting it, unhinging the door, forcing me to see what knocks on it anyway. These demons are my sins, my slips of the tongue, my desires of the mind. I try hard with my own strength to resist the devil, by constructing more and more doors between me and it - although I always fail, and the devil forces me to look it in the eye anyway.

Save me Lord, not just me wallowing and languishing in my own sins, but also from your holy wrath. Pull me from toying with my own abyss, when the time is right - I beg thee.

Updates.

Things have been quiet as of late...but really, I thank God for the now more silent train rides to and from work; gives me a chance to reflect on the day that passed. Keeps me quiet and calm too. Sometimes I'm too late and I bump into the guys in the office who take the same train as me and it gets uncomfortable at times. But otherwise, things are more or less settled where I am now. Took a little time but yeah.

Every morning I also try to wake up early (and try to reply some 5am earlybirds quickly and on time knowing their schedules) to catch the 7.15am shuttle bus at clementi mrt - another avenue to reflect in the freezing aircon bus on the way to work :) and be early somemore.

Busy period's coming from September onwards and I really hope to get concentrated on work so time passes - for the past 2-3 weeks I actually wanted the weekend to pass on quickly so I could get back to work - and fast. I've been told that every day I'll have to OT or whatever but who cares; so long as time passes fast I'm happy. Everyone should be more or less settled down in their units - for scs people, at the very least moving on to ASLC or their units for pro term; i could hardly care less for ocs bravado.

My dad's business isn't doing well at all and so naturally, being the lowest earning fool in the family my parents are trying to get me to do tuition and earn extra money through the usual business hippie thing: investment. Apparently my uncle's going to give me some cash to invest...seriously, I'm the kind that would either keep that money and save for uni or give to either of my 3 more business-sense elder siblings to play with fire. Damned this. Being born in this academic, business-sense family seriously annoys me out sometimes. Imagine some science fanatic being forced by his parents to study meditation and spiritualism. I think he'd rather blow his brains out.

Ah well. Anyway, things have to go on.

On a random and completely un-understandable note,

...

September the 17th's going to be a very significant day for me and I'm already prepared to phase out once it passes.

I did expect things to end this way but; I just didn't want to let go of it all. I can't believe that it's ended already. I once pressed on and felt both euphoria and depression in intervals for about 2 years - sometimes I wonder how I managed to do it since I first fell back in secondary school. Oh well.

I really hope uni'll be a new, clean, fresh starting point, that's all :)

the ugly duckling re-imagined.

Ugly duckling,

whose soul knoweth sorrow;

suffereth abounding humiliation.

Thou heart languishes,

rigor mortis bites, jaws sinking;

sadness toucheth thee.

Careth not, dear cygnet,

for magnolia wings that caress the sky;

forsake graceful majesty.

Rise, treacherous phoenix,

feathers cloaked in night and shadows;

forget thy past and rebirth anew.

Vengeance and penance thou delivereth,

upon contemptuous, haughty fools of past;

in thou malevolent eyes none shall escape.

I suddenly came up with this slightly macabre version of the ugly duckling - don't know what it'll mean to you but, I guess I just suddenly felt the urge to express :)

To Yu Jie: Haha I've read your post. I read your blog every day haha. Sorry I haven't had the interest to blog about things :p i've been playing old games to pass time during the weekends apart from going to church on Sunday morning. Diablo 2 ftw. Haha.

Hope you're doing well in SISPEC; you're enjoying it, as expected. And yes pay day's coming soon so you can expect some tidy allowance to spend and invest :) have fun during your nights out and your precious weekends :)