Fitting in.

Things are starting to look less...unfamiliar and unfriendly at the unit I was posted to. On Monday when I got there I remember feeling dead scared. I didn't dare to slouch for fear of being shouted at and virtually every time someone else other than me (and the others similarly posted to this unit) walked past, I would sit up as straight as hell and tense up very badly. Thank God I've been posted to a more....(literally)...segregated section from the rest of the office. I've been warned that the work's tough, but I'll really try my best to learn the ropes and to be familiar with what I need to know *throws in 1001 acronyms used in the SAF* so that no one gets upset because I screwed up.

Even thought I've been a just little blur at times, I'm asking questions. Because I think if I don't clear the air and leave bits of smog around they'll choke me to death eventually. What makes things more bearable is that my supervisor's really nice - my guess is she's the supervisor who treats to newbies best :) thank God for that. The seniors in the same section as me - thank goodness - seem not to have any issue with me. Generally, I'd say the typical NSF has 95% of his brain dedicated to smut, derogatory and dirty jokes and humour, and that they're inconsiderate, sadistic fools who - upon getting an understudy - just throwing everything to the understudy and crushing him while at it.

On Friday we ended work early and the heads treated the office to a thai restaurant buffet at Liang Court. Things became uncomfortable for me when I was seated at my table. Apart from that one other recruit who generally like to stick to for help, and another nice senior I got to know through him, the others were unfamiliar to me. I got scared and felt weird-placed especially towards the end of the dinner when people were taking photos and such in the restaurant. Everyone (literally) was either laughing, smiling, drinking whatever was left on the table or chatting vivaciously with the people around them while I leaned awkwardly against a pole and continuously bit my lower lip.

Bah whatever. This weekend I've got an extra day off because the office head's really nice. I'm not sure about how I'll do starting next week (this week the first 2 days were wasted due to pure waiting in one room the whole day). I'm afraid that I'll not meet the expectations of my supervisor and head, so hopefully I'll be able to watch and learn in double time.

Being busy and guarded all the time in the office, I generally try to avoid getting out of the office unless it's really urgent or it's lunch. When there's no one else around in my section I'd sit there and take forty winks or play some random game on my handphone. Not to beat about the bush, I guess what I'm thinking now is that the seniors ORD as soon as possible so I wouldn't feel so restricted. Hopefully too, my mind'll take some time off from mulling over things.

Thoughts for the day.

I'm done with BMT at Tekong already, after 5 1/2 days. I thought a lot about things though - I guess introspection and reflection really are my main hobbies, fortunately or unfortunately :) I really did like the moments when there was silence around me - especially at night when the only sounds I heard were the fans blowing from the ceiling. As I went through each day, I could take my mind away from my own situation and I learnt to observe others.

My heart really went out to the recruits who went through the normal BMT. I believe the worst culture shock would've gone to the people who've never ever faced regimentation, harsh treatment and most importantly - who simply can't take the pressure of their new lives. I saw it on all of their faces as I walked past some of them after meals: Fear, frustration, dejection - one in note as if he was damned.

Of course there are the usual gung-ho people, people who take army in a neutral manner and those who simply don't care which way they end up.

It's a pity I don't have the privacy to state my truthful thoughts on BMT and tekong life itself - so I can't and won't.

Anyway, next week, I start work as a administrative assistant somewhere in Singapore. Well, perhaps my duties would distract me from my thoughts. I keep wondering what'd happen on Monday - if I would screw up or embarrass myself or worse still, get myself confined in camp. I wonder who'll be the person to teach me and if he's nice. I wonder if I'll be able to absorb myself in work so things could feel slightly less messy and cacophonous in my mind. I keep thinking about the already few friends I have - if those whom I treasure most could actually end up steering further and further away from me - not just due to my personality - but moreso the erasing effects of time. I wonder if next time after NS I would see some person who I've not seen in 2-3 years and then we'd just say a simple hi and walk away....yet again.

Well, my life has been made up of many transient friendships here and there - so perhaps I shouldn't be too surprised at how things might turn out in the end.

NS.

Well, I just came back from NS - Pulau Tekong to be specific. I'm due to go to the camp in

The content of this blog post has been blocked by the Military Security Department due to the inappropriate revelation of confidential information pertaining to the SAF.

Just kidding :) but really though, I'm not going to blog about anything SAF related from now on.

Plain Recaps.

Yesterday I went out to Plaza Singapura - first I met Bryan Kwa and he's doing well :) passed me my birthday present since it backfired in the mail. A replica of Cloud's sword :) even though I didn't play FF7 I know how famous it is and the sword looks cool. We had coffee at Starbucks too.

Then I met Yu Jie. We had lunch at Billy Bomber's and talked a lot. The taste of the food probably didn't matter - what we talked about held far more importance. We talked a bit about cards and card swaps and tricks for awhile too. Then we walked around Plaza Sing randomly - to lots of random shops and look at random things. Comics Connection and Yamaha in particular.

I felt really sorry for Yu Jie, mainly because I know that I'm not someone so outgoing so as to know what's nice to do, which place is nice to go, what things are nice and fun to discuss, what things are fun and random to do. I'm also dead quiet when it comes to many conversations. I don't have many interests, I listen to weird music, my sense of humour is probably cold as ice, and I'm not a big fan of sports - I don't have a lot of friends, needless to say I don't know any more people whom we know in common. I felt sorry that I was the one always following where he went rather than suggesting a place myself, that he had to endure so many uncomfortable moments of silence while around me - that he had to bear with all this and every bit of my insociable personality that kept rolling of me in bits and pieces.

Nonetheless though, I'm really grateful to him for inviting me out, and confiding in me what we talked over lunch that day. Thanks yj :)

NS is coming up next Monday. I'll try to blog about things then.

Rendre

Thanks to some advice from Yu Jie, reading his most recent post, some self-deliberation and with some encouragement from the events of today, I've decided to stay on blogging :)

Today was a great day - a kind of day that I've not had in a long time.

I feel like today, I truly celebrated my birthday. I'm mustering whatever thanks I can, to Timothy for coming over to spend the afternoon and evening with me, and with a slice of Delifrance cheesecake and my present :) love it to bits. Thanks for winning me at custom titee, for the whole throwing cards at batteries thing, all the other fun - and of course for celebrating my birthday with me.

Anyway, I'll be going into NS next Monday - hopefully my 5 1/2 days on Tekong will be the only 5 1/2 days I spend there. To all of you who's about to ask the obvious question, don't :) it's private, and it's a long, long story. Nonetheless, that's not to say that I'm going to treat these days any differently than if I had to spend 2 months (or perhaps more due to my...horizontal-ness) there. There's still a lot of work to do, be it physical or psychological :)

Oh, and of course I'll try to update, but whenever I feel like it.

On a random note, I really would rather be equipped with just two silenced handguns and an Italian switchblade, rather than anything....heavier.

Slippery Slope

Seeing my little sister study, play and manage her life, I've come to see how this country has nearly disregarded completely the real meaning behind learning.

She's Primary 6 and has probably already got easily three to four times more homework than I did when I was her age. Her teachers are probably frustrated themselves because of the requirement to finish the syllabus/curriculum that some of them have screwed up their teaching and thus their students as well. At this point in time - just wanted to give a random shoutout to her Primary 1 chinese teacher - you stupid, dense, foolish idiot. You've screwed up her perception and attitude towards Chinese so much I think you've done a lot more damage than you think you may have (or may have not) done.

My parents consistently bug her to do her work - in fact the only spontaneous questions that they ever ask her are those regarding her homework, whether or not she's done them etc etc. it sometimes pisses me off having to watch it.

So when she gets nagged at since young she psychologically grows up rebelling what she's been tormented with for the past couple of years. And rebellion loves company. Her friends at school turn out the same way, whether due to parental negligence, indulgence or stupidity.

Upping the curriculum each year and by such a large mark is probably the stupidest decision moe makes in order to "ensure that Singaporean students are of the highest, all-rounded standards". Down the slippery slope we go - childhoods ruined by capitalistic instincts and audacious dreams of foolish parents, memories undefined by large amounts of homework and tuition, innocence tampered and infected by the interests of other people. Such over-competitiveness prides the victorious and damns those who can't catch up.

Money may make the world go round, but it certainly corrodes the world each time it spins the damned globe one round. Children and people for that matter, treated as "manpower" or "commodities" or "economic labour". I'm not trying to be preachy here - but I think it's pretty obvious why children in other countries like Australia, the dunno-how-many-trillion deficit USA or parts of Europe are happier.

Self-stupidity

I feel a bit stupid today.

This morning I walked from Plaza Singapura to PoMo to Secret Skills to buy packs of Bicycle RiderBack cards from them - and they were...not closed but obviously not open yet. Being a little impatient I decided to walk back to Plaza Singapura to check out Magic Hall and Toy Outpost and decide whether I should buy my cards there.

So when I got to Toy Outpost I realised the cards there were like $5/pack and Magic Hall $4.50/pack............then. I decided to use Wireless@SG to check when Secret Skills opened. 1pm. And I was there just now at 12.45pm. So I walked back there.

I wanted to buy 3 packs of red and 2 packs blue...but they ran out of reds -.- so I bought my blues (pun intended) and then walked back again to Magic Hall at Plaza Singapura and bought 2 packs of red. Sigh.

Wonder how much energy (not time) I could've saved just by making one call to Secret Skills -.- tch.

Oh, and it felt a little uncomfortable on the inside walking alone. And from Plaza sing to PoMo like twice.